VoraciousBillyGoat

Dear Diary,

There are pages missing from my diary. Did I eat them?  It’s entirely possible at this stage—about two months into this job, and I seem to chew threw anything that comes near my mouth. Watch your fingers!

Breakfast at home:

• blueberries, strawberries, plain yogurt, honey, Kashi clusters cereal, coffee

Work:

• Coffee
• 1 Diet Pepsi
• 5 shots (virgin) piña colada for cream of coconut tasting
• 4 saltines
• grilled cheese on white with ketchup
• ½ slice whole wheat bread with egg salad

Dinner at home:

• banana with peanut butter
• cherries
• ½ pita with hummus
• 2 bites mashed potatoes with olive oil
• vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup, strawberries, and nuts

Tags: ice cream, peanut butter
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Skipping ahead a few days because I’m getting sick of reading about eating sour-cream and onion smashed potatoes. Yawn.

Dear Diary,

There must be some mistake. Is this all I ate? I didn’t make any margin notes about how skimpy my intake was, but I can only assume that I was ill? What a mysterious mystery!

• 2 bites brisket
• 2 bites meatloaf
• 1 Diet Coke

Tags: beef
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Dear Diary,

Lots of sugar today. I may have that nightmare about my teeth falling out tonight, but this time, I have real cause to dread unpopulated gums: tooth decay due to increased levels of sugar consumption.

Also, am I going to start experiencing adolescent acne breakouts because of the not-so-nutritious diet I’m on?

I think my hypochondriac fears are escalating as the sugar high settles in. By the way, do you like how I artfully arranged those bunnies on my ice cream?

• 4 bites breaded pork chop
• 1 doughnut hole
• 1 bite blueberry muffin
• 1 low-fat oatmeal cookie
• 4 varieties French silk pie (including Sara Lee!)
• Maple syrup tasting. Lots of maple syrup. I like syrup.
• 1 bite lemon cake
• 2 bites cornbread
• 1/2 cup rice pudding
• Ice cream and chocolate bunnies

Tags: doughnuts, ice cream, pork, syrup
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Dear Diary,

Long weekend. And now, back to the wonderful world of food. Not that I didn’t eat this weekend. Although I usually end my week at the test kitchen with resolute promises to have nothing but steamed vegetables and water in an attempt to cleanse what must be a toxic bloodstream, a brief train ride home is enough to clear away such nonsensical thinking.

This hot summer’s day brings with it food better suited for crisp fall days, but, 17 Station Street is much like Alice’s rabbit hole—one stumbles, trips, and falls headfirst into a land that knows no time or season. If only one had Alice’s magical shrinking biscuit that would keep one’s proportions in check.

• 1 bowl Honey Bunches of Oats cereal with 1 banana and 2% milk
• Coffee
• Sour cream smashed potatoes (multiple tastings, about 1 cup total—starting to hate spuds)
• Stuffed fillet of sole with lemon cream sauce
• 1 sip Hollandaise sauce (who “sips” Hollandaise?!)
• 1 lick French silk pie
• 3 low-fat oatmeal cookies (multiple tastings…ignoring the fact that low-fat doesn’t mean low-carb or low-sugar)
• 1 bite apricot bundt cake
• 1 bite apricot tarte Tatin
• 1 bite vegetable-stuffed trout
• 1 bite bacon-wrapped bluefish

Tags: bacon, cake, cookies, potatoes
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Dear Diary,

It doesn’t take Inspector Poirot to see a pattern in my food intake today: Carbs and dairy. Dairy and carbs. Carbs. Carbs and dairy. Carbs. Dairy and carbs. Carbs.

This is, unfortunately, very representative of my diet here at the test kitchen. More unfortunate yet: I love dairy and carbs. And together? Magic! Cereal, mashed potatoes, pizza, biscuits, and rice. Yup, I covered all the bases. Maybe I should develop a new food pyramid based solely on starches and their accomplice, dairy:

BISCUITS

PIZZA   IN  ALL  ITS  ITERATIONS

RICE PILAF    RICE CASSEROLE   RICE PUDDING

CEREAL    VIENNOISERIE    PIES     CAKE-&-ICE CREAM

SPAGHETTI, ET AL    MAC’N'CHEESE   DUMPLINGS  GNOCCHI

• Coffee
• Honey Nut Cheerios with whole milk
• Sour cream smashed potatoes (multiple tastings)
• Low-fat oatmeal cookies (multiple tastings)
• 6 bites From-the-Freezer cheese pizza
• 2 bites cornmeal biscuits
• 2 bites cheddar-broccoli-rice casserole
• ½ blueberry muffin
• 6 bites slow-cooker BBQ brisket

P.S. At least I punctuated my day with some protein.

Tags: biscuits, cereal, cookies, mac'n'cheese, pizza, potatoes, rice
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Dear Diary,

You are well-acquainted with my belly aching. Even though the back of the Prilosec box promises to eliminate heartburn symptoms by the time one has popped its fortnight-worth of pills, I’ve been taking them for much longer than that. It’s been 8 years. I think the company should send me an anniversary gift. I did some research and bronze is the appropriate material. I’d like a bronze image of moi.

In defense of Prilosec, I abuse my stomach mercilessly, eating things that would irritate it even if it were lined in steel. But how dull would life be if I consumed only milk toast and drab porridge? How much more thrilling is it to have condiments and salsas picantes and pop and deep-fried things, and PIZZA? Anyway, that’s why there are back-up meds.

• Coffee
• Honey Nut Cheerios with whole milk
• Sour cream smashed potatoes (several tastings – recipe I was developing for Cook’s Country Feb/Mar 2009 issue)
• Low-fat oatmeal cookies (multiple tastings)
• 6 bites slow-cooker BBQ brisket
• 6 bites From-the-Freezer cheese pizza
• 2 bites cornmeal biscuits
• 2 bites cheddar-broccoli-rice casserole
• ½ blueberry muffin

Tags: cereal, Pepto Bismol, pizza
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Dear Diary,

I took a nap today and had that horrible nightmare about my teeth falling out. Have you ever had that one? I’ve heard it’s fear of loss. I’ll say! If I lose my teeth I won’t be able to experience texture: no crunch, no pensive chew, no soft bubblegum rumination, no crisp, no snap, no crackle, no pop.

Can I tell you how awful it was? I’ll tell you anyway… My teeth are gray. The crown I have (an aside to explain waking life crown: I chew on imaginary food in my sleep, i.e. I grind at night) is loose. I walk to the bathroom and get to within an inch of the mirror. The reflection begins to fog with my breath. I panic.  My mouth thickens with saliva. I spit out a thin slice of tooth. Terrified, I pinch the tooth with my thumb and forefinger. It wiggles in my pulpy, mauve gum.

How happy was I when I woke up and ran my tongue along still firmly fixed upper and lower maxillary bony protrusions?

What I was able to eat, given my pearly whites hadn’t actually spilled out of my mouth:

Breakfast at home:

• Honey Bunches of Oats,  2% milk, 1 banana

Work:

• Coffee (with half-and-half, 1 tsp. sugar for lack of preferred sugar substitute—not hypocritical! I like to CHEW on my calories, not drink them…unless we’re talking about milkshakes)
• 6 varieties sour cream-onion smashed potatoes
• 1 slice red gala apple
• 3 varieties “lite” oatmeal cookies
• 2 varieties poule au pot
• 4 varieties French toast casserole
• 2 varieties broccoli-cheddar rice casserole
• 2 varieties Buffalo chicken with blue cheese dip
• Romaine lettuce with 5 varieties creamy Italian dressing
• 1 bite brisket with BBQ sauce
• 2 bites cornmeal biscuit
• a few bites cheese pizza
• coffee

Tags: coffee, cookies, pizza
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Dear Diary,

What happens to Billy Goats when they’re released from their pens?

This little goat-y went to the…wait, that’s the wrong farm animal.

This goat left her 9 to 5 feeding frenzy thinking she would return to normal faster than you can say “baaaa.” Not so. Visions of pickles and Twinkies and bacon and fried egg sandwiches with bacon and mayo and cheddar and cherry pie (different versions, of course) haunted and taunted her—would she ever find the right combination of salty and sweet and sour and cheesy on the outside? Or would she try to stick to the straight-and-narrow, eating smaller portions only a few times a day?

The road to “normal” has been as steep and craggy as The Cliffs of Insanity. My first hurdle: craft services. The first few weeks of my freelance food styling career brought me face to face with tables laden with pretzels, granola bars, cookies, and the rest of their accomplices.  The second, and probably more challenging obstacle: being on the road.  I’ll be driving around town, shopping and prepping for a job, when Dr. Bruce Banner-like symptoms overcome me. At least inwardly—I don’t really turn green and beastly. My vision is spotty, common phrases turn into tongue-twisters, and don’t you even dare look at me because you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’. Problem three: To soothe The Rage, I eat whatever is in sight.

Today is a good example—I Hulked and wound up eating:

• hot dog and potato chips at Ikea
• leftover steak and rice
• 2 bites leftover mushroom-sage risotto
• glass of OJ
• 2 slices Wonder bread toast with strawberry preserves, butter, and Colby cheese
• swig of 2% milk
• ***Contemplated a cinnamon bun and/or soft-serve on the day’s second visit to Ikea, but resisted!
• coffee
• 4 whole wheat crackers with peanut butter and strawberry preserves
• handful of tortilla chips

If you’d spotted me last week in New York, you would’ve witnessed me committing horrors—multiple visits to 7 Eleven, Starbucks, the snack aisle (the one that’s next to the register), the shady corner pizza place, and Duane Reade.

You can take the goat out of the rodeo…

Tags: Hulk, Misc., New York
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Dear Diary,

I didn’t note what I ate during the weekend—perhaps I was in a food coma and dindn’t eat at all. (Ha).

On June 30th, a Monday, I noted what I had for breakfast. I make these wacky shakes in the morning (I’ll post the recipe one of these days) that are very healthy and filling. Don’t they say you should always start your day with a solid breakfast? And further, that if you do un-fast first thing, that you’ll make smarter eating choices throughout the day?

Dear FDA and All Breakfast Cereal Companies: I had a good-for-me-meal this morning and just you look below and see what ensued.

Breakfast at home:

• oatmeal shake & coffee

Work:

• 5 slices (nearly) cheese pizza
• 4 bites fried pork chops (4 types)
• 5 bites cornmeal biscuits  (5 types)
• 5 bites twice-baked sweet potatoes (5 types)
• poule au pot (2 varieties)

Dinner at home:

• 2 hamburger sliders on homemade rolls with pineapple, sautéd red onion, mayo/ketchup/Sriracha, and Vermont cheddar
• Polar Orange Dry Diet Soda

Tags: burgers, pizza, Polar Orange Dry Diet Soda, pork, Sriracha
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Dear Diary,

How demure I was today! Teaspoons-worth of tastes… Having some twinges of guilt? Or stabs of pain from acid reflux that defy even a double-dose of Prilosec? I wonder if I’ll be able to keep it up.

P.S. It’s really stinky in this kitchen. By end of day, my very soul reeks of allium and the ghosts of deep-fried food.

• 5 varieties baked sweet potatoes
• 2 bites banana bread
• coffee
• 2 bites steak
• 2 teaspoons gravy (2 varieties)
• 1 bite Kielbasa
• 1 handful microwave popcorn
• 4 bites buffalo chicken strips (4 varieties)
• 3 teaspoons blue cheese dressing/dip
• 1 piece Orange Kiss Me Cake
• handful Cape Cod potato chips

Tags: allium, cake, kielbasa, Prilosec, reflux
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