VoraciousBillyGoat

Dear Diary,

It doesn’t take Inspector Poirot to see a pattern in my food intake today: Carbs and dairy. Dairy and carbs. Carbs. Carbs and dairy. Carbs. Dairy and carbs. Carbs.

This is, unfortunately, very representative of my diet here at the test kitchen. More unfortunate yet: I love dairy and carbs. And together? Magic! Cereal, mashed potatoes, pizza, biscuits, and rice. Yup, I covered all the bases. Maybe I should develop a new food pyramid based solely on starches and their accomplice, dairy:

BISCUITS

PIZZA   IN  ALL  ITS  ITERATIONS

RICE PILAF    RICE CASSEROLE   RICE PUDDING

CEREAL    VIENNOISERIE    PIES     CAKE-&-ICE CREAM

SPAGHETTI, ET AL    MAC’N'CHEESE   DUMPLINGS  GNOCCHI

• Coffee
• Honey Nut Cheerios with whole milk
• Sour cream smashed potatoes (multiple tastings)
• Low-fat oatmeal cookies (multiple tastings)
• 6 bites From-the-Freezer cheese pizza
• 2 bites cornmeal biscuits
• 2 bites cheddar-broccoli-rice casserole
• ½ blueberry muffin
• 6 bites slow-cooker BBQ brisket

P.S. At least I punctuated my day with some protein.

Tags: biscuits, cereal, cookies, mac'n'cheese, pizza, potatoes, rice
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Dear Diary,

You are well-acquainted with my belly aching. Even though the back of the Prilosec box promises to eliminate heartburn symptoms by the time one has popped its fortnight-worth of pills, I’ve been taking them for much longer than that. It’s been 8 years. I think the company should send me an anniversary gift. I did some research and bronze is the appropriate material. I’d like a bronze image of moi.

In defense of Prilosec, I abuse my stomach mercilessly, eating things that would irritate it even if it were lined in steel. But how dull would life be if I consumed only milk toast and drab porridge? How much more thrilling is it to have condiments and salsas picantes and pop and deep-fried things, and PIZZA? Anyway, that’s why there are back-up meds.

• Coffee
• Honey Nut Cheerios with whole milk
• Sour cream smashed potatoes (several tastings – recipe I was developing for Cook’s Country Feb/Mar 2009 issue)
• Low-fat oatmeal cookies (multiple tastings)
• 6 bites slow-cooker BBQ brisket
• 6 bites From-the-Freezer cheese pizza
• 2 bites cornmeal biscuits
• 2 bites cheddar-broccoli-rice casserole
• ½ blueberry muffin

Tags: cereal, Pepto Bismol, pizza
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Dear Diary,

I took a nap today and had that horrible nightmare about my teeth falling out. Have you ever had that one? I’ve heard it’s fear of loss. I’ll say! If I lose my teeth I won’t be able to experience texture: no crunch, no pensive chew, no soft bubblegum rumination, no crisp, no snap, no crackle, no pop.

Can I tell you how awful it was? I’ll tell you anyway… My teeth are gray. The crown I have (an aside to explain waking life crown: I chew on imaginary food in my sleep, i.e. I grind at night) is loose. I walk to the bathroom and get to within an inch of the mirror. The reflection begins to fog with my breath. I panic.  My mouth thickens with saliva. I spit out a thin slice of tooth. Terrified, I pinch the tooth with my thumb and forefinger. It wiggles in my pulpy, mauve gum.

How happy was I when I woke up and ran my tongue along still firmly fixed upper and lower maxillary bony protrusions?

What I was able to eat, given my pearly whites hadn’t actually spilled out of my mouth:

Breakfast at home:

• Honey Bunches of Oats,  2% milk, 1 banana

Work:

• Coffee (with half-and-half, 1 tsp. sugar for lack of preferred sugar substitute—not hypocritical! I like to CHEW on my calories, not drink them…unless we’re talking about milkshakes)
• 6 varieties sour cream-onion smashed potatoes
• 1 slice red gala apple
• 3 varieties “lite” oatmeal cookies
• 2 varieties poule au pot
• 4 varieties French toast casserole
• 2 varieties broccoli-cheddar rice casserole
• 2 varieties Buffalo chicken with blue cheese dip
• Romaine lettuce with 5 varieties creamy Italian dressing
• 1 bite brisket with BBQ sauce
• 2 bites cornmeal biscuit
• a few bites cheese pizza
• coffee

Tags: coffee, cookies, pizza
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Dear Diary,

I didn’t note what I ate during the weekend—perhaps I was in a food coma and dindn’t eat at all. (Ha).

On June 30th, a Monday, I noted what I had for breakfast. I make these wacky shakes in the morning (I’ll post the recipe one of these days) that are very healthy and filling. Don’t they say you should always start your day with a solid breakfast? And further, that if you do un-fast first thing, that you’ll make smarter eating choices throughout the day?

Dear FDA and All Breakfast Cereal Companies: I had a good-for-me-meal this morning and just you look below and see what ensued.

Breakfast at home:

• oatmeal shake & coffee

Work:

• 5 slices (nearly) cheese pizza
• 4 bites fried pork chops (4 types)
• 5 bites cornmeal biscuits  (5 types)
• 5 bites twice-baked sweet potatoes (5 types)
• poule au pot (2 varieties)

Dinner at home:

• 2 hamburger sliders on homemade rolls with pineapple, sautéd red onion, mayo/ketchup/Sriracha, and Vermont cheddar
• Polar Orange Dry Diet Soda

Tags: burgers, pizza, Polar Orange Dry Diet Soda, pork, Sriracha
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